Monday, July 21, 2008

Extra Base Rule

The Summer Patriot Division is officially instituting the "Extra Base" rule in order to prevent any (further) injuries as players run for first base. The rule is laid out below. Along with a lovely Paint picture made by me.

WAKA Official Rule Revision 1/2008

1.06 - Optional Extra Base
a. Fielders trying to make an out on first base must touch the base to the inside of the cone (first base). Runners hindered by a fielder touching the Extra Base will be safe.

b. Runners not attempting to advance to second base and touching the first base will be out.

c. If no fielder is on first base, and/or the runner is attempting to advance to second base, the runner may touch first base.

d. The Extra Base is only available for runners traveling from home plate.

e. Once a runner has reached first base safely the runner may not stand on or touch the Extra Base. Any runner doing so will be out.

f. No additional base may be used at any other base.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Fozzies roll over the Green Team

The Green Team suffered its first defeat of the young Summer Patriot season on Thursday, falling to the upstart Fozzies, 6-4.

It was a tough loss for the EnvironMentals who went into the game confident after last week’s rout.

The first two innings were quiet, with the Green Team posting runs in each. In the fourth inning, however, as the Fozzies’ kickers got their second look at the Green Team’s pitcher, the light blue’s offense took off. Through strong bunting and some bad bounces, the blue team managed to bring home 5 runners, snagging the lead from the shell-shocked Green Team.

“It was crazy,” said a dazed Captain Eric, who had two errors in the inning. “I feel like Dan Uggla in the All-Star game. The ball was spinning. It was spinning!”

There was sunshine in the storm however, as the Green Team still managed to muster their patented spirit (loud, enthusiastic and slightly offensive), scoring two runs in the bottom of the fifth to make it close.

The game ended however, on a comeback line drive that the Fozzies pitcher held on to, though he is very probably sterile now.

Second baseman Elaine, who took the field with a bum GI tract, showed a lot of gumption as she managed to hang onto a line drive with only her elbows and her ovaries. On the base paths, a spectacular dive back to first to avoid being doubled up left Elaine with the dirtiest uniform on the team. These efforts earned this spunky player the vaunted Green Team MVP Cup™ for the day.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The WAKA Strike Zone

The more you know... And knowing is half the battle

Friday, July 11, 2008

Quick Out of the Gate

The Green Team started the season off right with a convincing win over the underdog Green Monsters on Thursday. The 9-0 score was a huge morale boost to the team which, despite a hard-fought match, went down in the first round of playoffs last season.

Offensively, the EnvironMentals (I just made that up) flexed some offensive muscle (no, not that muscle) in the first inning, plating seven runs. RBIs by BK, Jen, Pete, Elaine and Eric helped the Green Team climb through nearly half of the kicking order in a single inning.

Pete had the boomshot of the game. Drawing on the power of his newly minted (and storied) tattoo, the storm chaser found a gap in right center for a bases clearing triple. His fifth inning line drive snag cemented him as top choice for the season’s inaugural Green Team Game MVP.

The Green Team showed their continuing improvements in the field with solid defense that stymied the green Green Monsters. With strong play all around the infield and effective pitching, the outfielders didn’t have much to do as the number of Green Monster runners who reached could be counted on one hand that’s been too close to a cherry bomb.

After the game, a large contingent of the Green Team made it to the bar where they managed to get an L-shaped flip cup competition going against the Green Monsters, who were looking for retribution. Revenge was not to be had, however, as experience proved the master of innocence as the EnvironMental crazy train kept on rolling.

The night ended on high note for all teams involved, however, as an unprecedented full bar flip cup race brought no less than five teams together in raucous competition. All in all, a good start to the season.

Kickball Mythology #1: The Zeno’s Theory in Relation to the Hot Corner.

Few legends on the kickball diamond are more bragged about, less confirmed and lesser still seen. It’s the mythological gunning down of a runner from Third Base to first for the force play.

When a kickball team makes an assessment of where it needs to do some housekeeping, this tends to be the final piece to a perennially unfinished puzzle. One of the reasons is the traditional role of the third baseman. The job primarily is to run down errant bunts with enough time to bee sting them in the back of the skull, allowing the run to take his base, but warning him that if he values his family, he won’t pull that bullshit again.

For a ball to make it to him with enough time to allow for a chance at the throw, one of the following three things would have to occur:

1. An aborted bunt. This is generally the “putt” that should have drained a hole somewhere between the mound and the foul line, halfway between the third and the catcher. These people are generally the reason bunts are frowned upon. If you’re leading off more power to you, as I’ve said the throws almost impossible, but chances are you’re an ass and just sacrificed your lead runner, potentially turning a double play. Slick move asshole.

2. This was supposed to be a foul. It’s a late game inning 12 and it’s the only pitcher they have. Like every smart kickballer you’re loading up the count and giving the pitcher rotator cuff muscular degeneration so that he bowls them over the plate like he’s Norm Duke for the rest of the season. Instead you launch one right to third and all the walks you’ve accumulated prior are likely lost in a similar situation seen above. Who brought this guy?

3. You went for the frozen rope. Seriously, you went for the opposing field and ended up getting it to third? You’re either drunk or kicked it with the wrong foot. You ought to be laughed off the diamond, and you’re not to be allowed to forget it. Fail.

But lets say our glorious Anti-hero manages to achieve one of these points of brilliance. He’s got a who battery of physics laws on his side that will pull him from the jaws of alcoholism and thrust him into the bungling hero role of every Brendan Frasier film.

In order for a third baseman to make this play a few things would have had to happen in order for the concoction to be viable. (I love lists)

1. He was sleeping on the job. If you were coming off the line like you were coming out of starting blocks you’d have taken this one in the teeth and the runner would be on second by the time they’d given you the salt tabs. Thanks for being lazy but hey, you’re setting your self up for the kickball Valhalla so I can’t discredit you too much.

2. You have to have a trajectory of a 45 degree thrust behind a standard 15 foot distance. Because the kickball field is played outside of a vacuum and with gravity factored in, my math might be off and I cannot be held accountable. Basically the force required to do this exceeds of funding by which to purchase steroids. Also, we heard the Blue Team demands piss tests every time their defeated. This is not specific to a team, its every team with blue shirts. Their inherently jerks and sore losers. While blue is not the catalyst for this factor, WAKA officials do some preliminary work and assign blue to the team most likely to follow suit so that insiders know when they have to lay off the juice.

3. IF #2 was difficult, #3 might be the cosmic congruence one needs to make the entire project possible. The first baseman must be several things (sublist!):

a. The little train that could. They don’t only believe this shit could happen, it will happen.

b. Golden Glove. Given the force required to get the damn thing there, your first baseman is going to need paws of carbonized steel to grab it. Being that the league is in Boston, this usually garners the First Baseman with the nickname “lobster claws” for the subsequent game or until he drops one of these throws. You can’t make this stuff up folks. Its truth.

c. Must have like-minded Q-waves. There must exist a telepathy between the corners that would allow for such a mathematically improbable set of circumstances to come together like the Beatles in ’69.

This brings us to the Lore behind this throw. Much like El Dorado and the hammer of Thor, the making of/and being witness to this throw is buried is hyperbolic legends of our Kickball ancestry. Not to get all AED on you but the first known origin of the throw is documented in the 1664 novel A Midafternoon Occurrence in which one of the characters, Phineus Sanders “threw with such a mighty toss that all those standing about the chalk line would have their moustaches curl from the breeze.” The origin of “lobster claws” and the acclaim given to the first baseman are not known but are believed to be much later in the public lexicon.

The throw today still exists and a “series of unfortunate events” and is written into the third basemans job contract many times as a tongue in cheek requirement or utilized as a fluffed up reason to put otherwise poor fielders on the bench. (Sorry, we need someone out there who can make the throw to first). The legend carries on and is the single most championed line by drunkards and charlatans alike, leading to the creation and retort of “if he can make the hot corner throw, I can shit unicorns”

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Schedule

Ladies and gentlemen, I present your Green Team 2008 Summer Patriot Division schedule.

Click for the full size.

* Thanks to Chris and Pete for helping me shake the rust off my HTML skillz.
** Thanks to Brennan for being of absolutely no help at all.

*** Thanks to Blogger for not letting me post my wicked cool HTML table that was much better than this screenshot of an Excel sheet.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Fabulous footwear

The socks arrived today. They're gloriously green.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Green means Go!

Green Team, the newest edition to the WAKA Patriot Summer Division, announced the start of their 2008 campaign to win the division this morning.

Manager and Captain Eric Pierce was on hand to share his thoughts on the season.

“I’ve got a good feeling about this bunch. Most of them were with me in my last job with the [Strangers in the Alps] and I’m proud as hell to have them with me still. In addition, though, we’ve signed a few free agents this season that I really think are going to be strong contributors on the field and in the public house.”

When asked about his coaching style, the manager was confident.

“Everybody plays. Everybody. We didn’t pay much [anything] for these guys’ contracts, so we’re going to get the most out of our money.

“The key is to find their strengths and identify their weaknesses. I’ve got a girl who’s surprisingly athletic. I’ve got a guy who’s a crazy shuffler. We’ve got speed and agility. We’ve got heart and enthusiasm. This team is the complete package.”

Captain Eric was his usual tight-lipped self when asked about his strategy, but after a few beers, not surprisingly, he became a bit chattier.

“I’m not gonna lie, I’m building on last season’s strategy. But I’m also adopting some of the ideals of our namesake, the Funny or Die Green Team. For instance, after July 10, I’m instituting a team diet of day old bakery goods and power bars wrapped in biodegradable napkins --I’m ordering them in bulk.”

It’s looking like an exciting summer on the Common this summer for the Green Team and its fans. As you wait for July 10, however, take a look at the video, nay, the film from which the Green Team’s name is derived, which offered Captain Eric and his teammates inspiration that will surely lead them to glory and success this season.